i'm so sorry.

"I'm so sorry....."

Nothing can ever prepare you to hear those words.

I laid there on a tissue covered table expecting to see my sneaky third baby for the first time but instead watch the puzzled look on the technicians face as she asked me the date of my late period again.

I glanced over at the screen and said "it looks pretty empty..".

She slowly uttered the most sincere but heart wrenching phase known to man and I felt the warmth of my tears roll over my cheeks and filling up my ears.

I had plans for this little one, they included a mini van. Albert greeted me every morning with a kiss on the belly to tell the baby he loved her. Edie clung to my body every evening and gently tapped my belly proclaiming the word "baby". It all vanished with a three word phrase. 

Albert get frustrated when I tell him the baby decided not to stay in mommy's belly and I have to resist the urge to cry and squeeze him so tight because I feel and know his pain and sadness so deeply. Edie follows me into the bathroom every chance she gets to look at the small stain on my pad. I know they are trying to make sense of this all so I don't want to hide it from them. Children are so intuitive and compassionate and it is through those little comments and gesture they remind me I'm not alone. 

I've have so many loving people reach out to me but the echo of those three words still rolls down my cheeks and fills up my ear as I lay in bed. I know this all will pass and one day when my body and mind are ready we will grow again but for now I'll fill my house with flowers, cry, eat way too much chocolate and take each day one moment at a time.