ru's birth story.

Ru’s birth can best be described in the nuanced difference between the phrases less help and being helpless. I so deeply desired the ability to “own one’s birth” that I pushed myself to a valley so low that I almost walked away from my beautiful birth plan.

 

I spent 10 months planning the perfect home birth. My midwife team was widely renowned in the birth community, my doula is literally the best in the county, my house was tooth brushed cleaned by my amazing mother-in-law, my kids had gifts on the table from their new sibling, I had made the best tray of ziti for us all to enjoy post birth, and my birth supplies were neatly arranged in perfect white bins. I was ready….

 

Except I forgot to think about me. I spent so much mental space thinking about how to make everyone comfortable and how to make my birth easy that I neglected to put in the mental training for myself.

 

I preemptively planned on how to support my support team but lost sight about who they were there to support. So, this brings me to my birth.

 

Labor started around 1:30 am. I was awoken by the occasional contraction and I grew more and more excited. My midwife team stressed the importance of not waiting to tell them when labor started but I still felt it was early so I gently dozed between contractions.

 

Around 3am I felt the urge to quietly moan during my surges and when Adam asked me if I was okay I started to cry because I felt like I was annoying him. I just wanted to do this on my own until I needed him. He laughed and hugged me and told me it was okay and he didn’t want me to do this alone. I tried to go back to sleep but the intensity of these contractions had grown too much to ignore. I called my midwife and let her know labor for sure had started but it was early and I didn’t need anything. She again stressed to me the importance of not doing this alone and I reassured her I’d call my doula too.

 

 I alerted Carly (my doula) but wanted more time to figure out this odd labor rhythm so I told her I was going to shower first, then touch base again. Before my shower, I noticed a lot of bloody show so I felt my body was making the shifts it needed and decided to ask Carly to come sooner rather than later.

 

It was around 5: 30 am that Carly showed up and we hung out. I reassured her that I was in fact in labor despite the long breaks between my contractions (not that she ever doubted me). She knew I preferred distraction to cope with labor so we folded laundry together and just talked about any and everything. We would both be laughing so hard at random stories (I peed my pants more times than I’d like to admit) and it was just the support I needed.

 

The midwives kept checking in but with the spacing of my contractions I knew we still had time and I felt safe with Carly and Adam there to support me.

 

In the meantime, my neighbor Sharon came over to help out with the kids and I knew despite not being with them they were having the best day ever.

 

Around 8am Carly suggested a walk and during it my contractions picked up in their timing which was reassuring.

 

My labor with Edith was slow to start like this so I really didn’t feel discouraged but I was eager for the shift and just wanted to keep the intensity up while I could.

 

After the walk, we returned home and again things slowed back down. I tried to lay down for a bit but the contractions were almost unbearable while laying down so I spent most of my time standing or sitting on the birth ball waiting for something to happen.

 

Carly was so awesome and hanging out with my best friend in labor was so much fun. It was only when Adam served her a delicious Nutella waffle (with powder sugar on top) that I questioned her loyalty.

 

We spend the next couple hours chatting, waiting for a contraction to start and then bracing through them as the intense surge hugged my body. We attempted another walk but I just didn’t feel safe and it felt almost performative to be outside at that point. Carly reassured me this was a good sign and we worked our way back home.

 

Once home my labor started to shift and I felt more nauseous so we decided this was a good time to call the midwifes. My contractions were still spaced apart but the intensity was there. It was a little draining mentally but I remember feeling this way towards transition with Edie so I was hopeful.

 

It was around noon when the midwife arrived. She checked me gave me the amazing news that I was 8 cm. I felt my spirit rejoice and I knew I could dig deep for this last bit of labor.

 

I got into the birth pool in hopes that I would relax and my labor would find a better pattern. But after 30 mins I knew the pool wasn’t helping so I got out and we decided to go for another walk.

 

After our walk things still felt very spaced out so my lovely (sarcasm) midwife Katie suggested I do some nipple stimulation. Holy Moly those contractions were no joke and I may have yelled a profanity directed at my midwife. 

I kept that up for 30 mins but the intensity of those contractions was too much. I crawled into my bed and just fell apart. I stared at Adam and just cried in between the most painful contractions. The nothingness followed by overwhelming pain and discomfort was unweaving my confidence. I felt like I had to force my body to have contractions and when they came I was barely holding on.

It was around 4pm that we decided to do another check and low and behold I was still 8 cm and baby was resting high in my pelvis. My midwife suggested I do belly tucks during contractions to help him get engaged. The tuck surprisingly helped the contractions not feel so intense and it was a welcomed directed activity to focus on. Wanting to use gravity to help bring baby down I got into the shower and just tried to do everything right.

 

 

 I think this is where mentally I started to dig a hole. I become very aware of how long it had been. The space between my contractions was a taunting reset and my mind was just holding on to the words “this isn’t normal”.

 

I labored for the next few hours in the darkest place ever. I was screaming both on the inside and outside and begging my birth team to do something. I remember watching tears run down Adam’s face and feeling so guilty for taking everyone down this path. I became helpless and despite my birth team pour water over my back every contraction and letting me squeeze their hands for dear life I was alone. No one could touch me and the comfort they provided I pushed away with the immense sense of guilt and failure. This was no longer fun. My perfect, easy, fun birth had unraveled into a dark, loud, and demoralizing puddle of uncertainty.

 

It was during this time I called my sister. We facetimed and she promised me that I could do this and I just had to keep going. I didn’t believe her but I let her confidence in me quiet the panicking voice in my head. Once we hung up I decided to give up. I told Carly and Adam I was done and wanted to go to the hospital. Carly being the best doula ever said ok.

 

Katie was watching me spiral downward and asking for a transfer. She sternly but lovingly told me we cannot transfer until we knew what is going on. She told me we’d need to do another check before we could move towards that plan and I knew she was right. Her firm and confident response was want I needed to trust in her to take the next step despite being so scared.

 

I felt like a failure in that moment and it took all the strength in me just to stand up and get out of the birth pool. I asked Carly if she was disappointed in me and she give me the biggest deepest hug ever and told me she was so proud of me no matter what. Carly reassured me that once I had gotten checked again I was still in control and we were going to make a plan. She wasn’t going to leave me.

 

It was 7:30pm at this point and I was physically and mentally absolutely exhausted. I knew getting checked wasn’t going to be comfortable but I had to do something. Katie gave me the news that I was 9cm and baby was low enough for her to break my waters. It was all welcomed information despite still doubting I had enough energy left to push baby out. She broke my waters and my sense of dread faded and a vague sense of calm whispered the hopeful rejoice that the end was near.

 

I slithered back into the birth pool and knew being upright was going to work in my favor because baby was still not fully engaged. I labored in hand and knees and during one particular contraction I felt the tightening change and I just knew my cervix was finally fully open. I stayed on my knees and slowly started focusing my energy downward; I wanted this baby out but knew I still had hard work ahead of me.

 

After a few contractions, I rolled over to my back and continued to push. It took all the strength I had left in me to bring Ru earth side but after an hour of pushing I reached down and pulled my sweet boy up into my arms.

 

We still didn’t know his gender but I was just so relived to be done that I held him for a minute and just cried in disbelief. I always had a feeling that he was a boy so when I flipped him over my intuition was confirmed; I drew him to my chest and kissed my sweet boy hello.

 

Ru’s birth pushed me to the limit and then asked me to keep going. It revealed how much I struggle to let people help me and it showed me that my inability to accept help was going to be my downfall. Once I was pass the point of hopelessness I had to surrender to my support team, and only then was I able to push through.

Carly knew exactly how to hold me physically, mentally and emotionally together. She let me quit, validated my fear, listened to myself doubt and then guided me on the next step to take. I truly could not have birthed Ru at home without her.

 

It was easy to lean into Adam; he is my person. But to travel this birth journey with him is always so amazing. He isn’t one to put up a fight or to be hard, but during my births he shows such unwavering strength and determination despite the fear and doubt I express. He cries with me and then tells me to keep going. He never doubts or makes me feel like I’m weak he becomes a source of strength only a deeply faithful and loving person can exude. I promised him after this birth we were done and I won’t make him do that again. And while that is very much a true statement, there is something so magical in having him guide though my births despite the realness of it all.

 

My midwives were so solid. They trust the birth process so much and deeply believe in the scared nature of home birth. I was so grateful for their knowledge and clear direction and I’m so happy to have chosen them as my birth guardians.

 

I’m so grateful to have Ru to hold and snuggle, and despite his birth being incredible hard he showed me how strong I actually am.