stolen happiness.

So when we found out that we were expecting another baby I was both overwhelmed and really excited all at the same time.  I called my friend Rachel as soon as I found out and she asked me how I felt and I said I didn't know. I know we wanted to have our children close in age but I wasn't expecting to get pregnant this quickly.

I ignored my pregnancy for a week or two and did my best to take care of myself and eat enough calories to maintain a healthy milk supply. But when I thought about how I felt I really couldn't decide. I was hearing everyone's voices around me saying "Already?" and "Wow that was quick" and I let these judgements scare and discourage me. I feared what people would think and so I didn't let myself get excited about this amazing new opportunity to be a momma to another little one.

I had my first appointment with my midwife and was able to have my first sonogram when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I talked about the consequences and benefits of having two kids under two years old, but I still wasn't excited. I kept thinking of all the draw backs and felt like Adam and I made a mistake.

I felt like my child was a mistake.

I kept texting Rachel just saying that I was worried about how people would react.  I made up worse-case scenarios and I think I annoyed her. It was a good thing too becuase her next message to me was exactly what I needed to hear.

It started with "I'm going to be slightly harsh with you because I love you." She forcefully told me I'm allowed to be happy. She said I need to be more faithful and trust that God had this plan all along. That my pouting and pity party is the only thing that is going to make me less of a mom to Albert, not this pregnancy. She told me I was a good mom and that Albert will love his little sibling so much.

I read her message and I felt like Rachel grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me really hard. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I took a deep breath and repeated to myself the words "I'm allowed to be happy about this."

Later Adam and I went for a walk and I read him the message and cried. I promised myself from that moment on that I was going to be proud. I wasn't going to feel sad or disgraceful when I talked about my new baby because that isn't fair. I love being a mom and getting the opportunity to grow and nourish another baby is exciting.

I focused on changing my attitude over the next couple days.

Just as I was feeling more secure and excited about this new baby I got a call from my midwife. It was a Saturday and she left a message for me to call her back. I thought it was a little odd, but I figured maybe she just forgot to ask me a few questions. She answered and said "I don't want to scare you, but we noticed something on our ultrasound". She went on to explain that I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. She said it was "very very small" and asked me if I had been experiencing any symptoms. She explained that it could increase my risk of miscarriage and to give the office a call if anything seemed off. She apologized for causing concern and just reassured me that everything would probably be okay. I felt so blind-sided. This baby that I just promised to love and be excited about now has a small chance of not sticking around. Cue the mom gilt. I told Adam what the midwife had just told me and cried... of course. He hugged me tightly and we prayed.

With this new news we weren't sure if telling everyone was a good idea, but I just knew that more people praying for us could only be a good thing. I posted on my church page asking for prayers as we got ready for a busy Easter Sunday.

 I had the plan all along to tell our parents at Easter that we were "egg-specting." I put a copy of the sonogram in an easter egg along with a piece of chocolate. I was super nervous to tell them and my hands were shaking when I gave them the eggs but it was good. Everyone was really excited and my mom immediately gave me a big hug and a kiss. I exhaled deeply and reminded myself "I'm allowed to be happy".

We explained the subchorionic hemorrhage, but reassured everyone that it was small and that everything would be fine. I watched as the copy of the sonogram got passed around and smiled. We are adding another little one to this amazing family and I couldn't be happier.